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  1. Mae West Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.
    Mae West
  2. Winston Churchill A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants...
    Winston Churchill
  3. Robert Benchley Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
    Robert Benchley
  4. Bill Cosby Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once...
    Bill Cosby
  5. Josh Groban There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
    Josh Groban
  6. Theodore Roosevelt When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ...
    Theodore Roosevelt
  7. Mark Twain I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discove...
    Mark Twain
  8. Albert Einstein I don't know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four p...
    Albert Einstein
  9. . If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what h...
    Stephen Wright
  10. Winston Churchill If you are going through hell, keep going.
    Winston Churchill
  11. . Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think ...
    Ray Combs
  12. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the men...
    Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  13. Henry Youngman I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
    Henry Youngman
  14. Johnny Carson New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsol...
    Johnny Carson
  15. Bill Cosby The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
    Bill Cosby
  16. Mark Twain Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and...
    Mark Twain
  17. . It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find...
    A. Hodge
  18. . A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potent...
    Jane Wagner
  19. George Carlin I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe...
    George Carlin
  20. Eddie Izzard If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
    Eddie Izzard
  21. Dr. Seuss Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
    Dr. Seuss
  22. . I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the o...
    Stephen Wright
  23. . On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    Stephen Wright
  24. . An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.
    Author Unknown
  25. . I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
    Dave Chappelle
  26. . Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with i...
    Adam Sandler
  27. Mark Twain God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live to...
    Mark Twain
  28. Emo Philips Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one...
    Emo Philips
  29. . Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin .. it's the triumphant twang of a b...
    J. Perelman
  30. Dave Barry You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
    Dave Barry
  31. George Bernard Shaw There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
    George Bernard Shaw
  32. . I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of mo...
    Jack Handy
  33. George Carlin Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
    George Carlin
  34. . Money lent to a friend must be recovered from an enemy
    German Proverb
  35. Mitch Hedberg I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
    Mitch Hedberg
  36. Theodore Roosevelt If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, yo...
    Theodore Roosevelt
  37. Mark Twain The past may not repeat itself, but it sure does rhyme
    Mark Twain
  38. . You can only kick a dead horse so many times before it stops looking like a horse
    Cesar Riojas
  39. Woody Allen Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
    Woody Allen
  40. Mae West He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
    Mae West
  41. . My approach to life can't be summed up in a pithy quote, and if yours can, you're ...
    Mark Rogers
  42. Jim Morrison Where's your will to be weird?
    Jim Morrison
  43. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche Where neither love nor hatred is in the game, a woman's game is mediocre
    Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
  44. Matt Groening We've been running a little behind schedule. But only by about 15 years or so.
    Matt Groening
  45. Robert E. Lee Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.
    Robert E. Lee
  46. . Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
    Ryan Reynolds
  47. Truman Capote People who are having a love-sex relationship are continuously lying to each other...
    Truman Capote
  48. Frederick Douglass No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding t...
    Frederick Douglass
  49. Ashleigh Brilliant To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and whatever you hit call it the ta...
    Ashleigh Brilliant
  50. . I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can pict...
    Jack Handy
  51. . It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's w...
    Jack Handy
  52. Charlie Brown Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice...
    Charlie Brown
  53. . Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
    Author Unknown
  54. Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.
    Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson
  55. . A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study...
    Chinese Proverbs
  56. . There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
    Author Unknown
  57. Laurence Peter Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage ma...
    Laurence Peter

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