The Rockford Files Quotes

Found 237 quotes.
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"Jim Rockford: [Rockford bends down and looks into open car window of rival P.I. Kirmit Higby] Hi Kirm, it's good to see you crawling out from under your rock from time to time.
Kermit Higby: I thought I gave you a good lesson last time, Rockford. What's wrong? Don't you remember how I spread your nose out for you?
Jim Rockford: Oh I remember; lucky punch. I'm not worried. Generally you can hit the ground with your feet.
Kermit Higby: Well maybe you need to be taught another lesson.
Jim Rockford: Looks that way, let me help you.
[Rockford pulls back on the car door as Higby opens it, then slams it against Higby's wrist when he tries to get out, putting him in instant agony]
Jim Rockford: Clumsy, clumsy Kirm. Ah well, it looks like you've got a couple of choices: either you can tell me what you're doing following me and why you knocked me out in Susan's room, or you can sit here with your hand in the door while I sharpen my right cross. Which is it?
Kermit Higby: [In pained voice] I didn't knock you out...
Jim Rockford: Okay Kirm, I'm going to let your dentist rebuild your whole mouth.
Kermit Higby: Suit yourself...
Jim Rockford: [Raising his fist Rockford is ready to punch Higby but falters as he looks at Kirm's pained expression, giving in to his softer side] Ah damn!
[He pulls back, slapping the car door]
Kermit Higby: [as Rockford reaches in and takes the car keys] If it had been me I'd have beaten you to death.
Jim Rockford: Yeah, I know...
[then slams the car door against Higby's wrist once more for good measure before walking away]
Jim Rockford: [a few scenes later Higby's car runs into Rockford's rental on a Nevada highway. Rockford jumps angrily out of his car and runs around to Higby's window, reaching in and grabbing him by the tie] Higby, I couldn't hit you before, but you just changed all that!
[He pulls back his fist but falters again, making Higby grin]
Jim Rockford: Ah what the hell!
[He slugs Higby in the face, knocking him out. He then walks back to his car, looking in at his two female co-occupants]
Jim Rockford: I think there's a reason I didn't do that before: I think I broke my hand!"
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"FBI Agent Gary Bettingen: [helping Angie Perris, Rockford approaches the bar table of the man who has been following her] Gee, what are you supposed to be?
Jim Rockford: [smiling] Well, I'm the messenger who's been sent back here to ask very politely what you're doing following that young lady around?
FBI Agent Gary Bettingen: Un huh. Well you're the guy whose going to be checking into county general in about twenty minutes with a busted jaw and a couple of cracked ribs.
Jim Rockford: [still smiling, but looking unsure] No kidding. You're going to do that all by yourself?
FBI Agent Gary Bettingen: Yeah, that's right Groucho. All by myself.
Jim Rockford: Look, I'm trying to be nice. Why do we have to speak to each other in such violent terms, huh?
[Rockford suddenly drives his heel into the other man's foot, then taking him by the head, slams his face down on to the table]
Jim Rockford: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I guess I should have said one, two, three go, huh?
FBI Agent Gary Bettingen: [the man reaches inside his jacket, Rockford grabbing his arm, and he slowly pulls out his ID] How'd you like to be booked for assaulting a federal officer?
Jim Rockford: [the ID says Gary Bettingen, FBI. Rockford smiles sheepishly] Ohhh, look I think I know how we could fix this right now. Why don't I just go and pay my bar bill right now and then fade right out of the picture, huh? You want to say anything to Miss Perris, you just go right ahead.
FBI Agent Gary Bettingen: Why don't you do that.
Jim Rockford: [Rockford stands up, still smiling] I will and hey
[he offers his hand]
Jim Rockford: if you ever have the chance why don't you just drop around and we'll have a drink. I'd like to make it up to you...
[the agent looks uncertain about accepting a handshake]
Jim Rockford: No, no, I'm serious! I'm serious! That was a sucker punch. Hey, you'd been ready, you'd probably knocked me silly!
Barman: [the man takes his hand and is clobbered by Rockford's left fist, knocking him and his chair on to the floor] Hey! What's going on here?
Jim Rockford: Here.
[Rockford throws money on to the bar and taking Angie, quickly leaves the bar room. A few minutes later in his car he explains why he hit the man]
Jim Rockford: Well I said he had a federal ID. I didn't say he was a fed. He wasn't.
Angela Perris: How do you know?
Jim Rockford: Ah, because the picture on his ID was taken against a blue field like your driver's license. Feds have theirs taken against a yellow field. What he did was cut the picture out of his driver's license and paste it into a federal ID, and then encase it in plastic. Nice job, but it was a phony.
Angela Perris: How can you be so sure?
Jim Rockford: Oh, because that's what I did.
[he shows her his fake FBI ID] "
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"Jim Rockford: Hey Billings, is Becker around?
Police Officer Billings: No, he's on his dinner break.
Lt. Doug Chapman: I'm sure I can be of small service?
Jim Rockford: [nervously] No, okay Lieutenant, thank you, thank you...
Lt. Doug Chapman: Ah now, Rockford, give me a break will you? For weeks... no months... no years I've been looking forward to helping you with some of your police work.
Jim Rockford: Well I'll...
Lt. Doug Chapman: No, you know what I mean Jimbo. Well that's what Becker calls you isn't it? Jimbo, like in bimbo?
Jim Rockford: Look Lieutenant...
Lt. Doug Chapman: No, I see you coming in here all the time, using the telephone, eating the doughnuts, and I understand you're really a swell guy. So I want to be able to help you cause this department is here to service the public. Let's face it, Jimbo, after all you're a taxpayer. So how about if I put a five man squad out in the field to sniff around for you, or maybe a special weapons team?
Jim Rockford: [losing his patience] Why do you waste this act on the swing shift, Lieutenant? Why don't we run right over to the Tonight Show and let Carson have a look at it?
[snickers break out across the squad room]
Lt. Doug Chapman: Was there something else?
Jim Rockford: Yeah, in your office maybe?
Lt. Doug Chapman: Oh no, here. Let's talk here.
Jim Rockford: All right. I got a call tonight in my trailer. A guy says "Jay look outside, your dog is dead. You've got twelve hours and you and the Lancing girl are next" and he hung up.
Lt. Doug Chapman: Hmm, well you want the Department of Animal Husbandry, or maybe the Humane Society.
Jim Rockford: Oh Chapman, does this keep coming or are you really just a giant bag of gas in a three piece suit?
[the squad room breaks into laughter]
Lt. Doug Chapman: Is this a bus station? You're all waiting for the 9: 15 to Fresno, hmm? Or maybe you've got work to do?
[he turns back to Rockford]
Lt. Doug Chapman: Okay. Big case, huh? Oh you'd probably have Becker running all over hell's half acre, down to the phone company, checking locked circuits, tracing numbers, running units into the half dozen possibilities. Something like that?
Jim Rockford: Right, right! Plus a name: Lancing.
Lt. Doug Chapman: Ah right! Lancing! Well there's got to be at least two hundred of them in L.A. So what do we come out of this with? A dead dog. Maybe. Or maybe we turn a guy with a glassy grin or a lampshade on his head. Billings! Put Mr. Rockford on a skateboard and give him a push towards the sidewalk. Jimbo?
[he walks out of the room]
Jim Rockford: We'll be right back after this brief commercial announcement.
[the squad room breaks into laughter again] "
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"Jane Patten: Poor little animal - gave his life to make this.
[she bites into her burger]
Jim Rockford: You know, I've just about had it with you!
Jane Patten: What's the matter?
Jim Rockford: I'm tired of your philosophising and moralizing and whining...
Jane Patten: Whining?
Jim Rockford: Yeah, you want to give a sermon about a hamburger and you've got the gall enough to eat it!
Jane Patten: Ordinarily I wouldn't touch meat, but I'm hungry. And even Bhagavad Gita says...
Jim Rockford: Oh stow it, okay! You know if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place! Your flakey attitude! You hand me problems at every turn. You can't even remember anything, now I'm buying you your meals. What can you do, lady?
Jane Patten: My consciousness doesn't lend itself to problem solving like yours, okay! I'm into an alternative lifestyle. I'm a seeker after truth. Now what's so wrong with that?
Jim Rockford: You're alternative lifestyle comes out of somebody else's pocket. You mooch, you borrow, you hardly work, but it doesn't go along with it there. They're facists, unmellow, competitive; all that love and freedom is just another way of saying me first!
Jane Patten: It is not!
Jim Rockford: Yes it is! You just don't have a sense of responsibility, that's all there is to it!
Jane Patten: What I mean is I'm not into a structured living or accumulated things. I'm into my consciousness!
Jim Rockford: Consciousness! You're practically unconscious 24 hours a day! What you're into is having someone else do you're thinking for you. There's Gordon Borchet, Baa Baa the Bhagavad Gita. Next it's going to be Sam Levinson or Francis the Talking Mule for all I know. Thay have all the answers, right. Don't you have any answers of your own?
Jane Patten: Those are pathways to bliss...
Jim Rockford: Hmm, maybe. But you don't practice them, you just talk about them. You've flipped from Ashram to watertank and back! Are you any happier for it? Look around you. You see a lotta bliss out there?
Jane Patten: I don't think I've done so bad for being 32 years old.
Jim Rockford: You're 40. I've seen your driver's license.
Jane Patten: I was 40, but I'm making positive affirmations! I'm 32... I'm youthing myself.
Jim Rockford: You're 40.
Jane Patten: But I don't want to get old...
Jim Rockford: Well neither do I.
Jane Patten: But you see we don't have to. Not if...
Jim Rockford: There's nothing you can do about it. That's the way it is. I'm sorry to be the bearer of the bad news. There's no easy answer, you know. No quickie nirvana. You don't like it, tough, join the club!"
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"Jim Rockford: [Rockford is at a restaurant with a Lloyds of London representative discussing his reward for having helped recover stolen diamonds - a case that lead to the breaking of three priceless works of art] Mr. Cryder, I don't want to seem anxious, but I was wondering about my five percent recovery fee?
Cryder: Ohhh yes. I called my people at Lloyds, they agreed.
Jim Rockford: [smiling] Five percent, a million dollars worth of jewellery, that's fifty thousand dollars isn't it?
Cryder: Yes... Unfortunately each of the cormorants was insured for fifteen thousand making a total of forty-five thousand.
Jim Rockford: Well, what has one got to do with the other?
Cryder: Well they feel that since you were hired to protect them, and since all three were destroyed, that you should... bear the loss...
Jim Rockford: That's preposterous!
Cryder: Unfortunately that is how they... feel. So, ah, forty-five thousand from fifty thousand leaves five thousand...
Jim Rockford: [looking rather peeved] Well I didn't break the damn things!
Cryder: ...I've been doing some perliminary figuring... Now from the five thousand there's of course, ah, English inheritance and English income taxes
[he starts subtracting on a pad of paper]
Cryder: ... ah yes, we will have to inform your IRS
[he chuckles]
Cryder: and there's the rate of exchange to consider and, oh yes, then there's...
Jim Rockford: One minute, just one minute.
Cryder: Yes?
Jim Rockford: Do you think there's going to be enough for me to pick up this tab?
Cryder: I really don't know, Mr. Rockford, that depends... Do you intend to keep on drinking?"
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"Jim Rockford: Boy, I hate going to these things!
Joseph 'Rocky' Rockford #2: The older you get the more of them you're going to go to. You know, it seemed to me here a while back I was going to the funeral of a good friend once a week. Then a couple of years ago it sort of started to steady out. You know how I have it figured, sonny?
Jim Rockford: Rocky, have you seen my wallet?
Joseph 'Rocky' Rockford #2: Now take automobiles. Supposing Detroit was to build a hundred thousand red Fords. Well, at the end of five years you're gonna lose half of them red Fords: they're going to be in the wrecking yard. Then, five years later, another thirty percent of them are gonna be gone because of accidents or bad driving. Well that means, after that time is all over, that you're gonna have a coupla of hundred red Fords that, because they was put together good and driven carefully, are gonna be around forever.
Jim Rockford: I'm looking for my wallet, Rocky. Is it on the desk?
Joseph 'Rocky' Rockford #2: You know it wouldn't hurt you none to put your own Ford in neutral, the way you're always chasing around and working on one dangerous case or another! You know you ain't even had time to go fishing or hunting with me! So the way I see it, that is no way for you to rack up a hundred thousand miles on your dash.
Jim Rockford: Would you like to get your Ford out of my chair, I'm trying to find my wallet!
[Rocky gets up from the desk]
Jim Rockford: [he finds it in the desk drawer] There it is, right in the glover compartment!"
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"Jim Rockford: [Jim walks over to the lifeguard's chair, which is surrounded by a bevy of girls in bikinis] Hey Skip, 'scuse me Skip. You were on duty yesterday. You remember that Road Queen with the big boat on the back that was parked over there. You wouldn't happen know where they went?
Skip Speece: Ladies?
[the girls drift away]
Skip Speece: She hit on you too?
Jim Rockford: Who?
Skip Speece: Who? Shareen.
Jim Rockford: You mean the little girl?
Skip Speece: Was that a humungous little bod? I'm making my morning patrol on the beach in my jeep. She's out there with this headset on, so I stop, warn her about the rip tides
[snickers]
Skip Speece: You know. Bam! She's coming on to me like...
Jim Rockford: [inwardly rolling his eyes up to heaven] Oh y-e-eah, those rip tides are terrible! The bottom is just littered with ships!
Skip Speece: So I take a half hour splitzky, you know, I'm steering her to the dugout at the little league field for coup de grace, all of a sudden she starts having second thoughts. Starts telling me about this head case boyfriend she's got back home there. Punk rocker she says. Well this creep wears safety pins all over his clothes. Well Jim, you know I hate to see a nice girl going in the wrong direction.
Jim Rockford: [cynically] Oh I know you do, Skip. I know all about your work with youth!
Skip Speece: So I told her, hey look, I said, if you're a real punk then you don't have to be faithful to this guy cause real punks aren't faithful to anybody. But it was no go.
Jim Rockford: [feeling disgust] You're quite a guy, Skip. Look Skip, they stole my barbacue. You wouldn't happen to know where they went next?
Skip Speece: You know, Jim, I work hard here everyday, and never so hard that I don't have a little extra time for you. Keeping an eye on that trailer. Telling people to watch out for you car when they pull out. Stuff like that. do you remember me at Christmas time? Ever? Slip me a couple of numbers, even a six pack.
[Jim gives him a couple of greenbacks]
Skip Speece: I mean I hope you know where I'm coming from. I mean, a lifeguard doesn't have all that many years in him. After 35 the skin goes. You can't...
Jim Rockford: [impatiently] Where were they headed?
Skip Speece: The old lady was all hot to see the Hearst Castle.
Jim Rockford: Well I'll tell you something, Skip. I remember you at Christmas time, I just don't do anything about it!"
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"Ruth Beetson-White: Jim, listen. I know you didn't get the best deal out of this. Well I tell you what, if money's your problem I think I may have a solution. First I want to thank you for saving my life, and I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a way to express my gratitude, and I finally did.
[she lifts her hand from where it's been resting on his shoulder and begins to play with the hair above the nape of his neck]
Jim Rockford: [smiles] You don't really have to do anything, I mean...
Ruth Beetson-White: Oh yes I do. As you may know I'm always on the look out for a good man.
Jim Rockford: I've heard it said...
Ruth Beetson-White: And now that I'm going to be devoting full attention to the fight business, the dealer management is wide open; I'd bet you'd look terrific in a red blazer...
Jim Rockford: Not a chance.
Ruth Beetson-White: Baby, come on! Think of it! You know, you could do the Spanish speaking commercials. You could become a celebrity!
Jim Rockford: I'm sorry, but I don't tap dance.
Ruth Beetson-White: [looking into his eyes] At least have dinner with me, huh? We could go to my place...
Jim Rockford: I'm sorry Ruth, but I'm a little old-fashioned... I like to open the doors and light the cigarettes - and make the passes...
Ruth Beetson-White: [she takes her hand away] A-a-a-h, your right! I'm sorry! There I do again! I'm sorry, really...
Jim Rockford: [smiles again] Ah, it's okay...
Ruth Beetson-White: [puts her arm around his shoulders] We'll go to your place..."
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