Red Dwarf Quotes

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"The Cat: [faced with the ship being destroyed] We're deader than tank tops!"
Red Dwarf - 1993
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"Kryten: In the normal course of things, it would take Starbug several billion years to reach it.
Lister: That wouldn't be so bad. Rimmer could finish his Risk story."
Red Dwarf - 1991
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"John F. Kennedy: I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my days in the White House. In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan the pull-out of Vietnam, ah, to fight for civil rights and ah, to fight Congress to ah, put a man on the moon. It was uh, wrong, however, to, ah, act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies to wreak havoc on our nation.
Lister: But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir?
John F. Kennedy: How, ah, can you help?
Lister: Well, come with us back to Dallas, November '63. Be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
John F. Kennedy: You mean... assassinate *myself*?
Lister: Yeah. It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy but, they'll never figure it out.
John F. Kennedy: But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.
Lister: You see this airport; "Idlewild Airport"? In our reality they renamed it "JFK", after you. Where I come from, you're a liberal icon. And that's the person you should be. But if you're be that person, you're gonna have to sacrifice your life.
John F. Kennedy: And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
Lister: Mmm-hmm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.
John F. Kennedy: [wistfully] Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your country.
Lister: Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.
John F. Kennedy: It did. Heh."
Red Dwarf - 1997
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"[extended version]
Lister: It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries are my life!
[pause]
Lister: Gosh some of the nights. I remember once on planet leave on Orion. I drank a yard of Vindaloo sauce, right out of one of those long glass tubes, then went out on the pool. It was a bet.
Kryten: It is impossible for mechanoids to vomit, sir. I believe it is safe for you to continue
Lister: There was this club: "The Crazy Astro". I started dancin' with this space girl there. She couldn't hear in there.
Rimmer: Fido was it? Lassie possibly?
Lister: She was very attractive actually, Rimmer: very short skirt, little ankle bracelet. Took our her chewing gun before she ate her chicken in the basket. You know, class. All right, she had teeth that looked like six half open garage doors, but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix in ten minutes
The Cat: So what happened?
Lister: I went over to her, leant in close, asked her to dance. For a few seconds she didn't answer.
The Cat: She was probably concussed. A yard of Vindaloo sauce? You must've had breath that could shear sheep.
Lister: We started to snuggle up...
Kryten: Hmm... I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this.
Lister: Then all of a sudden, a rumbling in me stomach. All I can remember is runnin'... across the dance floor... through the crowd... just made it.
The Cat: So, you didn't get off with her?
Lister: The only thing *I* got off was the loo about six hours later. When I got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me, to lock the club. Huh! Nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I didn't have another one until the following night.
Rimmer: What an *enchanting* little tale! Well if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to glub a couple of yards of vindy sauce. Then, if we *do* happen to chance across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss."
Red Dwarf - 1997
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"Birdman: [introduces his sparrow to Lister and Rimmer] This is Pete. He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is nine years old, so that makes him...
[thinks]
Rimmer: Nine?
Birdman: Nine, that's right! You've met him before, have you?"
Red Dwarf - 1999
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"Robert Llewellyn: [In reference to Chris Barrie's toned physique] I think he'd been ripping and buffing!
"
Red Dwarf: Heavy Science - Series V (V) - 2004
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Featured Book: The Most Brilliant Thoughts of All Time (In Two Lines or Less) by John M. Shanahan

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.
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"Rimmer: This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!"
Red Dwarf - 1992
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"Rimmer: I'm just saying, Lister, that at times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we'd nurtured like a small flower, petal by petal, and watch blossom and bloom into something rare and special.
Lister: OK, give me Kochanski.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dishwasher breath!"
Red Dwarf - 1988
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"Lister: [complaining about why Holly brought Rimmer's hologram back] But Rimmer?
Holly: He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all.
Holly: Holly, 7 million of those have been telling him to smeg off and the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off."
Red Dwarf - 1988
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"[about his father's death]
Lister: She said he was very happy and he had gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog."
Red Dwarf - 1988
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"Lister: Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me."
Red Dwarf - 1989
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"Rimmer: Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. Oh, smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 6-5000."
Red Dwarf - 1991
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"Bear Strangler McGee: A man who beans in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave or mighty stupid. Which one are you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what are the options again?"
Red Dwarf - 1993
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"Kryten: I ask the court one key question: Would the Space Core ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice Computer voice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice Computer voice: Overruled.
Kryten: ...an incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot.
Rimmer: OBJECTION.
Justice Computer voice: If you object to your own counsel once more Mr. Rimmer, you will be in contempt.
Kryten: Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests."
Red Dwarf - 1991
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"Lister: Say she's interested in somebody else.
The Cat: Like who?
Lister: I dont know. Well, like... like me.
The Cat: But you've got a head like a watermelon! What are you gonna do? Paint it in yellow and black stripes and pretend you play quarterback with the Bengals?"
Red Dwarf - 1991
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"[Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have discovered that the female officers are dead, and have been for 3 million years]
Lister: Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or the place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dogfood face.
Lister: And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends.
Rimmer: I'm warning you, Lister."
Red Dwarf - 1988
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"Rimmer: You are rebelling?
Kryten: Yes.
Rimmer: What are you rebelling against?
Kryten: [Impersonating Marlon Brando] Whaddya Got? Dinosaur breath. Molecule mind. Smeg-for-brains."
Red Dwarf - 1988
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"Lister: What are you? A man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz."
Red Dwarf - 1988
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