Noises Off.. Quotes

Found 69 quotes.
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"Lloyd: Right, from Belinda and Freddy's entrance.
[Poppy comes running onstage]
Lloyd: Oh my God, what's happened now?
Poppy: The police.
Lloyd: The police?
Poppy: They found an old man lying unconscious in the doorway just across the street...
Lloyd: Oh, yes, thank you.
Poppy: ...and they say he's *very* dirty and pretty smelly...
Lloyd: Yes, thank you, Po...
Poppy: ...and I thought, "oh my God," because-because when you get close to Selsdon...
Belinda: Poppy!
Poppy: ...no, no, I mean, if you stand anywhere *near* Selsdon, you can't help noticing this very distinctive...
[She sniffs and stops dead]
Selsdon: I'll tell you something, Poppy. Once you get it in your nostrils, you never forget it. Sixty years now, and the smell of the theatre still haunts me.
[He walks away]
Belinda: Bless him!"
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"Dotty: Sardines! I've forgotten the sardines...
[She notices the sardines sitting on the table and stares at them for a moment]
Dotty: No I 'aven't; I 'aven't forgotten the sardines. I remembered the sardines. Well, what a surprise; I guess I'll just go into the kitchen and fix some more sardines to celebrate!
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Noises Off... - 1992
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"Dotty: Am I in Spain? No I'm not in Spain, dear, I'm in agony, that's where I am!"
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"Belinda: Poor Lloyd. He'll choke on his Gummi Bears."
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"Lloyd: I'm just God, Belinda, love. I'm just the one with the English degree. I don't *know* anything."
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Featured Book: The Most Brilliant Thoughts of All Time (In Two Lines or Less) by John M. Shanahan

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.
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"Lloyd, Tim, Selsdon: When I think, I used to do banks. When I remember, I used to do boullion vaults."
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"Lloyd: Like the band playing on as the Titanic sank."
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"[Dotty, completely distracted, now has the phone cord wrapped around her and an empty plate in her hands. The sardines lie on the floor next to her]
Dotty: ...not in Spain, they're next to the... study, in the phone! Squire, Squire, Hackem an'... hold on!
[She drops the receiver, which dangles from her neck. She looks around]
Dotty: I'm going to do something wrong here.
[She looks at the empty plate]
Dotty: Oh yes! Oh yes, always the *same*, innit? Soon as you got too much on your *plate,* there you go puttin' your foot in it, and...
[she walks right onto the sardines on the floor]
Dotty: Oh, speak of the devil! They go puttin' their foot in it now, won't they? Well, we'll take care o' that:
[She unfolds the newspaper to lay on top of the sardines]
Dotty: I'll just put that there. Look, see? That'll keep 'em out of 'arm's way.
[picks up the empty plate and begins to exit, dragging the phone by the chord that's still wrapped around her]
Dotty: What I'm holdin' now I don't know. And off I go at last!
[she spins as she leaves to untangle the phone cord] "
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"[everyone except Poppy and Tim are on-stage and have no idea where they are or what to do now]
Lloyd: I've got to get the 8: 40 to New York!
Poppy: [Lloyd opens the door to find Poppy wrapped in sheets, playing Freddy's part] Ah! House of heavenly peace! I rent it.
Dotty: Oh! It's the other one! And in her wedding dress.
Belinda: Yes, yes, it's their wedding day!
All: Oh!
Belinda: What a happy ending... to the... to the first act!... Of their new life together! And they just want to be alone in their new home... if only someone would pull the shades!
[Indicates that the curtain should come down]
Tim: [Tim enters in the black sheets, prepared to play Brooke's part] Come in?
Dotty: Oh, and it's the mother of the bride.
Tim: Go out?
All: Pull the shades!
[Tim runs out to lower the curtain]
Selsdon: Last line?
All: Last line!
Selsdon: I'll tell you one thing, Vicky.
All: [Dotty slaps Vicky, who loses a contact lens and goes looking for it] What's that, Dad?
Selsdon: When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like an old fashioned plate of, uh... curtain!"
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"Dotty: Am I in Spain? No I'm not in Spain, dear, I'm in agony, that's where I am!
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Noises Off... - 1992
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"Lloyd: Brooke?
Brooke: Yes?
Lloyd: Are you in?
Brooke: In?
Lloyd: Are you there?
Brooke: What?
Lloyd: You're out. Okay. I'll call again.
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Noises Off... - 1992
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"Lloyd: And God said, Where the Hell is Tim? And there the Hell was Tim. And God said, Let there be doors that open when they open, and close when they close.
Tim: Do something?
Lloyd: Doors!
Tim: I was getting the bananas for the sardines.
Lloyd: DOORS!
Tim: Doors?
Lloyd: I bet God had a stage manager who understood English, too!
"
Noises Off... - 1992
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"Dotty: Oh, yes, dear. Everything's all nice and paranormal here.
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"Dotty: Lucky I can't see far with this leg.
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"Selsdon: Am I on?
Belinda: No, no, no, no.
Dotty: No.
Selsdon: Oh, I thought I heard my voice.
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"Lloyd: I don't know what you're waiting for. Her eighteenth birthday?
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Noises Off... - 1992
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"Gary: Lloyd, let me just say one thing, since we've stopped. I've worked with a lotta directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses, some of them were bastards. But I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely... I don't know.
Lloyd: Thank you Gary, I'm very touched. Now will you get off the ****ing stage?
"
Noises Off... - 1992
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