My Wife and Kids Quotes

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"[When their son leaves home and moves into an apartment]
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: You did what?
Michael Kyle: Actually, I didn't do anything. He said he wanted to leave, so I said goodbye.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: No, no, no, I know you better than that, Michael. You didn't just say fine, did you?
Michael Kyle: Well, actually I said so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out, like that.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Do you mean to tell me that you told MY SON so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, and get the hell out - to MY BABY.
Michael Kyle: No, actually I said so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, KICK ROCKS, (pauses) and get the hell out. You forgot the kick rocks. That's really important.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Michael, How did he react when you said so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, KICK ROCKS, and get the hell out?
Michael Kyle: Actually, you left out the hasta la vista...
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, Michael. Don't say it, again.
[makes a diving motion]
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: I'm on edge, I swear.
"
My Wife and Kids - 2001
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"[When their son leaves home and moves into an apartment]
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: You did what?
Michael Kyle: Actually, I didn't do anything. He said he wanted to leave, so I said goodbye.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: No, no, no, I know you better than that, Michael. You didn't just say fine, did you?
Michael Kyle: Well, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out," like that.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Do you mean to tell me that you told MY SON "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, and get the hell out" - to MY BABY.
Michael Kyle: No, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, KICK ROCKS, (pauses) and get the hell out. You forgot the "kick rocks." That's really important.
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Michael, How did he react when you said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, KICK ROCKS, and get the hell out?"
Michael Kyle: Actually, you left out the "hasta la vista"...
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, Michael. Don't say it, again.
[makes a diving motion]
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: I'm on edge, I swear."
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"Claire Kyle #2: [Claire starts to confess that she ate Michael's pie while he and Jay were arguing] It was me alright! I ate your stupid pie!
Michael Kyle: Oh really.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: No, It was I who ate your stupid pie.
Kady: I cannot lie. I ate your pie.
Michael Kyle: Well, I can't deny, that I might cry. You wanna know why. 'Cause I still don't know who ate my pie!"
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"Michael Kyle, Jr.: Mom, I broke my hand!
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Well go upstairs, put lotion on it, and rub it.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh boy, I actually get permission!
Michael Kyle: She meant your hand boy!
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh..."
My Wife and Kids - 2002
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"Michael Kyle: Well, that's just an invitation for little boys to stare at your nippies.
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"Michael Kyle: [Jay is earning a Master's Degree in Psychology, but when practicing on family, Micheal wants her to quit] Well, maybe you should get a master's degree in *sex*, that way I'll be behind you all the way!"
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"Claire Kyle #2: [Claire starts to confess that she ate Michael's pie while he and Jay were arguing] It was me alright! I ate your stupid pie!
Michael Kyle: Oh really.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: No, It was I who ate your stupid pie.
Kady: I cannot lie. I ate your pie.
Michael Kyle: Well, I can't deny, that I might cry. You wanna know why. 'Cause I still don't know who ate my pie!
"
My Wife and Kids - 2001
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"[Michael has a black eye]
Michael Kyle: This isn't funny Jay, what am i supposed to tell them at work?
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Tell 'em the truth, tell them your son *knocked* you out!
Michael Kyle: I'd rather say you did it
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, that's even better, see i had to lay down the law, he didn't respect his woman, when i say i want my diamonds, i want my diamonds now!
"
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"Michael Kyle, Jr.: So you want me to marry a guy, who beats me?
Michael Kyle: Only if you love him, son.
"
My Wife and Kids - 2001
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"[Michael has a black eye]
Michael Kyle: This isn't funny Jay, what am i supposed to tell them at work?
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Tell 'em the truth, tell them your son *knocked* you out!
Michael Kyle: I'd rather say you did it
Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle: Oh, that's even better, see i had to lay down the law, he didn't respect his woman, when i say i want my diamonds, i want my diamonds now!"
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"Michael Kyle: Claire,I don't want to go to the prom by yourself. Don't you know what it stands for?
Claire Kyle #2: No.
Michael Kyle: Penes Rubbing Against My Daughter."
My Wife and Kids - 2003
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"Michael Kyle Jr.: For once, I'm not the dumbest guy in the room.
Tony Jeffers: Yes, You are!
Michael Kyle Jr.: You just proved me right; It's "Yes, You is!"
Michael Kyle: I think you should quit while you're behind, son.
Michael Kyle Jr.: I'll Just do that!"
My Wife and Kids - 2002
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"Michael Kyle: [talking to Dr. Bouche] I don't know what happened to my wife. She left with a body of J. Lo and came back with a body like Jello."
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"Michael Kyle: Well, guess what Junior? You're from the mean streets of Stamford, Connecticut.
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"Michael Kyle: [referring to rap groups] They don't even sing anymore, they just say - You know the words. Sing along.
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"Michael Kyle, Jr.: Last thing I heard her say was 'Junior, turn off those power rangers and go to bed.'
Michael Kyle: When did she say that?
Michael Kyle, Jr.: About five years ago.
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"Michael Kyle: Junior, sex is a lot different than you probably imagine it.
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Oh yeah, how?
Michael Kyle: Well, for one, there's another person in the room.
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"Michael Kyle: What is the smell in here?
Michael Kyle, Jr.: Kady pooed it.
Michael Kyle: It smells more like she decomposed.
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