Joe Dirt Quotes

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"Joe Dirt: There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don't kid yaself. Rule number one, I'm number one. Ya hear that, I like ta kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Now before I begin...
Kid at Gator Farm: Hey, what's rule three?
Joe Dirt: What's that? Kid, give me a break now.
Kid at Gator Farm: So you don't know rule three?
Joe Dirt: Yeah, you want a match? My face and your ass! How 'bout that friend? Huh? I mean, your ass and my face, what's up?
Joe Dirt: Here we go, I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home. This here's Rocky, and he ain't no puppy. Now, let's see if Rocky's got some cavities.
[Joe opens Rocky's mouth]
Joe Dirt: This mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.
[Joe puts his head inside Rocky's mouth, then screams as Rocky moves his head up and down thrashing Joe around]
Joe Dirt: [Rocky throws Joe out of his mouth as crowd laughs and cheers] Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang.
Joe Dirt: [Babbling nonsensically] It's like the cartoons, I'm seein' all "tweet tweet".
Charlene the Gator Farmer: Joe, what can I do fa you? Ya not makin' any sense.
Joe Dirt: Not makin'? Not makin'?
[Flashback to Joe's little sister in the car on their way to the Grand Canyon]
Joe's Little Sister: That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker.
[echoes]
Joe Dirt: Nunamaker! Nunamaker! That's what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon! My last name's Dirt, her last name's Nunamaker! That's my parents' last name!"
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Roald Dahl
Birth: 1916-09-13 Death: 1990-11-23

"In England once there lived a big And wonderfully clever pig. To everybody it was plain That Piggy had a massive brain. He worked out sums inside his head, There was no book he hadn't read. He knew what made an airplane fly, He knew how engines worked and why. He knew all this, but in the end One question drove him round the bend: He simply couldn't puzzle out What LIFE was really all about. What was the reason for his birth? Why was he placed upon this earth? His giant brain went round and round. Alas, no answer could be found. Till suddenly one wondrous night. All in a flash he saw the light. He jumped up like a ballet dancer And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!" "They want my bacon slice by slice "To sell at a tremendous price! "They want my tender juicy chops "To put in all the butcher's shops! "They want my pork to make a roast "And that's the part'll cost the most! "They want my sausages in strings! "They even want my chitterlings! "The butcher's shop! The carving knife! "That is the reason for my life!" Such thoughts as these are not designed To give a pig great piece of mind. Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland, A pail of pigswill in his hand, And piggy with a mighty roar, Bashes the farmer to the floor... Now comes the rather grizzly bit So let's not make too much of it, Except that you must understand That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland, He ate him up from head to toe, Chewing the pieces nice and slow. It took an hour to reach the feet, Because there was so much to eat, And when he finished, Pig, of course, Felt absolutely no remorse. Slowly he scratched his brainy head And with a little smile he said, "I had a fairly powerful hunch "That he might have me for his lunch. "And so, because I feared the worst, "I thought I'd better eat him first.""

Born in Wales, Roald Dahl is the author of some of the world's most beloved children's stories. After working in Africa for Shell Oil and serving in the Royal Air Force as a pilot in World War II, Dahl's accounts of his war adventures were published in Saturday Evening Post. His career as a writer officially underway, Dahl turned to children's stories that are now familiar classics, including "James and the Giant Peach", "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "Matilda". Dahl passed away in 1990, but left behind a legacy of beloved children's classics that are now being shared with new…



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