Archer Quotes

Found 113 quotes.
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"[last lines]
Sterling Archer: Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y -
[starts laughing uncontrollably]
Ramon Limon: And what is so funny about that?
Sterling Archer: [still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - Scared and alone!
[laughs]
Sterling Archer: And possibly dehydrated!"
Archer - 2010
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"Thoran of Malveel: My mother used to say that Love and Hate are two horns on the same bull. I'll take your hate, Estra, if that's all you have to give.
"
The Archer: Fugitive from the Empire (TV) - 1981
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"Sterling Archer: [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.
Cyril Figgis: Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.
Sterling Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle.
Cyril Figgis: What?
Sterling Archer: And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poiso... caine.
Cyril Figgis: [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey whoa.
Sterling Archer: Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason."
Archer - 2010
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"Malory Archer: [arguing over the phone with Len Trexler] You wanna play me hard?
Sterling Archer: Phrasing.
Malory Archer: Well, then, you better nut up!
Sterling Archer: Phrasing!
Malory Archer: Because I've swallowed just about all I'm going to take from you!
Sterling Archer: Hey! Phrasing!"
Archer - 2010
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"Sterling Archer: So, here's the thing - i need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your call. No? Hard it is, then!
[shoots the door, bullet hits Brett]
Brett: AAH!
Sterling Archer: Oh, god. Sorry.
Brett: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling Archer: I forgot that - did I get you?
Brett: What is wrong with you?
Sterling Archer: Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you."
Archer - 2009
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"Sterling Archer: Are you out of your mind?
Malory Archer: What? I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed by Stuben bar set.
Sterling Archer: Well. You just destroyed my innocence.
Malory Archer: Oh Please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling Archer: Twelve"
Archer - 2010
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"Malory Archer: Have I made myself clear?
Sterling Archer: You're looking for the answer 'yes'?
Malory Archer: Yes!
Sterling Archer: Then... yes."
Archer - 2009
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"Sterling Archer: Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.
[Cyril: Hey]
Agent Lana Kane: [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer: Make me!
Agent Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: What?"
Archer - 2009
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"Sterling Archer: How do you say The Hulk in Spanish?
Ramon Limon: El Hulk.
Sterling Archer: Gay.
Ramon Limon: What? We don't have a word for hulk.
Sterling Archer: Do you have a word for gay?
Ramon Limon: Gay.
Sterling Archer: Gayer. Jesus Spanish, our jobs aren't enough you gotta take our words?"
Archer - 2010
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"[last lines]
Sterling Archer: No! Not Deliverance.
[chuckles]
Sterling Archer: In Gator.
Agent Lana Kane: [disgusted] Oh.
Sterling Archer: Right.
[pause]
Sterling Archer: How can you not see that?"
Archer - 2010
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"Sterling Archer: And speaking of lame my codename...
Malory Archer: Was chose at random by the ISIS computer.
Sterling Archer: Random? It was your dog's name."
Archer - 2009
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"Sterling Archer: No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent Lana Kane: [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling Archer: That's why I dumped her.
Agent Lana Kane: You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling Archer: See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!."
Archer - 2009
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"Malory Archer: [Cheryl is lying unconscious in a pool of water] Oh, my God! What the hell happened here?
Pam: Well, she and Cyril were getting it on and Cyril lost it...
Malory Archer: So he killed her?
Pam: No, no. And then Cheryl got all freaked out and, long story short, I had to drown her a little bit.
Malory Archer: So *you* killed her?
Pam: [Cheryl comes to, spluttering water] Apparently not."
Archer - 2010
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"Cyril Figgis: Hey will I get to learn karate?
Sterling Archer: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Cyril Figgis: Krav?
Sterling Archer: We've got an ex-MOSSAD guy, come's in on Thursdays.
Cyril Figgis: Neato.
Sterling Archer: Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class."
Archer - 2010
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"[last lines]
Malory Archer: Well, Conway's gone. And I'll have nothing to remember him by.
Cheryl: [comes in carrying a blue stick] Except his little mocha love child!
Malory Archer: Oh, my God! You had sex with Conway!
Cheryl: Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.
Malory Archer: But - Wait. He was only here for two days. How in hell is that pregnancy test showing positive?
Cheryl: No, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a blue sticker on it."
Archer - 2010
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"[first lines]
[dreaming]
Malory Archer: And that's your message, my God who...
[wakes suddenly and grabs a gun]
Malory Archer: Who's there? What do you want? Because all you're going to get is holes. I, I mean holes in you, not my...
[gasps]
Malory Archer: Sterling?"
Archer - 2010
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"[last lines]
Malory Archer: Don't be shitty, can't we just enjoy the moment?
Sterling Archer: [bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds] Yeah, how could we not?
Malory Archer: [pause] Ass."
Archer - 2010
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"Cyril Figgis: This isn't my fault.
Sterling Archer: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
Cyril Figgis: You cheated on Lana plenty!
Sterling Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Sterling Archer: Yeah, they were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh."
Archer - 2010
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