American Dad! Quotes

Found 228 quotes.
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"Stanley Smith: [Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: [Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy"
American Dad!
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"Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley Smith: Hello?
Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley Smith: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that."
American Dad! - 2005
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Featured Book: The Most Brilliant Thoughts of All Time (In Two Lines or Less) by John M. Shanahan

You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.
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"[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley Smith: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine Smith: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley Smith: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine Smith: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine Smith: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley Smith: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine Smith: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley Smith: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine Smith: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine Smith: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home."
American Dad! - 2006
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"[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: Hey,boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Klaus: [referring to Roger the Alien] I wish he'd get sick like ET.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Francine Smith: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
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American Dad! - 2005
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"[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley Smith: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley Smith: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Steve Smith: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Roger the Alien: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.
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American Dad! - 2005
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"[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve Smith: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...
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American Dad! - 2005
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"Newspaper Headline: Missing Twins Found in Gingerbread House"
American Dad! - 2005
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"Stanley Smith: Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!"
American Dad! - 2005
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"Stan Smith: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine Smith: Stan, what the hell?
Stan Smith: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat.""
American Dad! - 2005
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"Hayley Smith: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!
Steve Smith: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
Hayley Smith: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
Steve Smith: And?
Hayley Smith: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.
Steve Smith: Aww yeah!"
American Dad! - 2005
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