Scottish Comedian Quotes

Found 29 quotes in the topic of Scottish Comedian .
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Billy Connolly

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless." Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things." Billy Connolly
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Christianity    Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." Ronnie Corbett
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"I think people feel starved of nice, glamorous entertainment. They want to see costumes and gaiety and a singer; old-fashioned entertainment - it won't die easily." Ronnie Corbett
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now." Craig Ferguson
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best." Craig Ferguson
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him." Craig Ferguson
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?" Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." Ronnie Corbett
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

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"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be." Billy Connelly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Marriage    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   





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