Funny Quotes

Found 4,406 quotes in the topic of Funny .
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"Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever." — Author Unknown
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Mark Twain

"There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened." — Mark Twain
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Funny    Memories    Pain    Sorrow    Wit   

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"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments." — Author Unknown
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"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." — Author Unknown
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"Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?" — Author Unknown
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Will Rogers

"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there" — Will Rogers
As quoted in The Land Where My American Mother Died--Palermo, Sicily (2003) pg. 156 Add Category or Author

Famous    Funny    Humorous    Leadership    Pearls of Wisdom    Top 100   

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"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine." — Author Unknown
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"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist." — Author Unknown
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Winston Churchill

"Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." — Winston Churchill
The Official Report, House of Commons (5th Series) , 11 November 1947, vol. 444, cc. 206–07 From a speech given by Churchill in the House of Commons in 1947. Add Category or Author

Democracy    Famous    Funny    Short    Top 100   

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"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research." — Author Unknown
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Jack Handey

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey ,
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"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off." — Author Unknown
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W. C. Fields

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." — W. C. Fields
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Mark Twain

"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately." — Mark Twain
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Enthusiasm    Friends Or Friendship    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder" — Author Unknown
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"A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it." — Author Unknown
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"You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up." — Author Unknown
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Dr. Seuss

"You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?" — Dr. Seuss
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Cute    Federal Government    Funny    Quote of the Day    Self-esteem   

Winston Churchill

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." — Winston Churchill
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"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted." — Bob Monkhouse
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English Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Robert Orben

"Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down." — Robert Orben
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American Entertainer Quotes    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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Mark Twain
Birth: 1835-11-30 Death: 1910-04-21

Mark Twain
"Rail-splitting produced an unparalleled president in Lincoln. But gold hasn't produced even a good A-1 congressman."

Known for his razor sharp wit and ever-present cigar, Mark Twain is one of America's most respected and appreciated humorists. In addition to his classic works, including, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, Twain's satires and folksy tales found their way into the heart's of the American public. For more than a century Twain has delighted young and old with his stories and insights. Often he used his humor to tackle some of society's most delicate matters, including the issue of slavery. Twain was also a noted lecturer and traveler, his book Following the Equator being …

Mark Twain Quotes

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