Funny Editor's Pick Quotes

"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else for us to find." — Author Unknown
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." — Erica Mann Jong
How to Save Your Own Life (1977) Add Category or Author

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." — Winston Churchill
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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." — Albert Einstein
The authenticity of this quote is disputed and no source before 1969 can be found, though this sentiment was certainly not expressed first by Einstein even if it was really spoken by him. Earlier variants include, "He quotes the saying of Renan: it isn't the stars that give him an idea of infinity; it is man's stupidity" and "But who knows? The earth has its boundaries, but human stupidity is infinite!" Add Category or Author

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." — Will Rogers
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"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button." — Sam Levenson
As quoted in Hands Pointed Up (2004) pg. 145 Add Category or Author

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success." — Robert Orben
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" — Oscar Wilde
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"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." — Paul Fix
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"You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?" — Author Unknown
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"I don't know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones." — Albert Einstein
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"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." — Albert Einstein
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"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey ,
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"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." — Winston Churchill
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"Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down." — Robert Orben
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"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep" — H. Auden
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"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." — Mark Twain
As quoted in Autobiography with Letters (1939) pg. 965 Add Category or Author

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." — Jerry Seinfeld
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"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone." — Tommy Cooper
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"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress." — George W. Bush
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"When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day" — Sam Ewing
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