American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,794 quotes in the topic of American Comedian .
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"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." Rodney Dangerfield
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American Comedian    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Doctors    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

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"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made." George Burns
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Acting And Actors    American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public." Phyllis Diller
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American Comedian    Football    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did." Jeff Foxworthy
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams
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American Comedian    Comedy    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." Jerry Seinfeld
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce." P. J. O'Rourke
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American Comedian    Divorce    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Bed    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." George Burns
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American Comedian    Beginning    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times." Rita Rudner
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American Comedian    Confession    Funny    Love    Quote of the Day    Valentine's Day   

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"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back." Fred Allen
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American Comedian    College    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there." Bob Hope
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American Comedian    Funny    Motivational    Quote of the Day   

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"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have." Ring Lardner
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American Comedian    Family    Funny   

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"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Devil    Funny   

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Funny American Comedian
American Comedian Editor's Pick
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