American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,794 quotes in the topic of American Comedian .
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Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." Rodney Dangerfield
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American Comedian    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Jay Leno

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Doctors    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

George Burns

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made." George Burns
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Acting And Actors    American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

Phyllis Diller

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public." Phyllis Diller
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American Comedian    Football    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Groucho Marx

"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Jeff Foxworthy

"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did." Jeff Foxworthy
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Robin Williams

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams
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American Comedian    Comedy    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Jerry Seinfeld

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." Jerry Seinfeld
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

P. J. O'Rourke

"Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce." P. J. O'Rourke
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American Comedian    Divorce    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Groucho Marx

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Bed    Funny    Quote of the Day   

George Burns

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." George Burns
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American Comedian    Beginning    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Rita Rudner

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times." Rita Rudner
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American Comedian    Confession    Funny    Love    Quote of the Day    Valentine's Day   

Fred Allen

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back." Fred Allen
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American Comedian    College    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Rita Rudner

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Groucho Marx

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny   

Bob Hope

"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there." Bob Hope
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American Comedian    Funny    Motivational    Quote of the Day   

.

"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

.

"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have." Ring Lardner
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American Comedian    Family    Funny   

Groucho Marx

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom." Groucho Marx
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American Comedian    Funny   

Jay Leno

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Devil    Funny   

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