American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,794 quotes in the topic of American Comedian .
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"The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you." Jane Wagner
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Groucho Marx

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." Groucho Marx
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Joan Rivers

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds." Joan Rivers
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"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question." Arthur Guiterman
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Bill Cosby

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." Bill Cosby
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." Stephen Wright
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George Carlin

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town." George Carlin
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Groucho Marx

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." Groucho Marx
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"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." Stephen Wright
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Mitch Hedberg

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" Mitch Hedberg
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"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow." Gracie Allen
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Groucho Marx

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx
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Jeff Foxworthy

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
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James Thurber

"Love is what you've been through with somebody." James Thurber
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Groucho Marx

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies." Groucho Marx
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Emo Philips

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips
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Rodney Dangerfield

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too." Rodney Dangerfield
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W. C. Fields

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler." W. C. Fields
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Phyllis Diller

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like." Phyllis Diller
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Jay Leno

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"" Jay Leno
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Emo Philips

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips
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Rodney Dangerfield
Birth: 1921-11-22 Death: 2004-10-05

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control"

One of the kings of the one liner, Rodney Dangerfield got a lot of respect during his career, which included standup and movies. Though he started standup as a teen, he gave it up for a decade to be a salesman. Returning to the stage, he refined his trademark patter and neurotic persona. His big break came when he appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show, which he had snuck into. This led to stints on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, more appearances on TV, then his own nightclub in 1969. He also made his mark on the movies, usually playing crude and rude nouveau riche characters. Perhaps …



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