American Comedian Quotes

Found 2,794 quotes in the topic of American Comedian .
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"The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you." Jane Wagner
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"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." Groucho Marx
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"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds." Joan Rivers
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"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question." Arthur Guiterman
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"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." Bill Cosby
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." Stephen Wright
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"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town." George Carlin
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"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." Groucho Marx
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"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." Stephen Wright
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"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" Mitch Hedberg
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"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow." Gracie Allen
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"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx
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"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
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"Love is what you've been through with somebody." James Thurber
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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies." Groucho Marx
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Boxing    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

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"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too." Rodney Dangerfield
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"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler." W. C. Fields
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"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like." Phyllis Diller
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"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"" Jay Leno
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"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips
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