Stephen Wright Quotes

Found 155 quotes by Stephen Wright .
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"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded" Stephen Wright
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Cute    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

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"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture." Stephen Wright
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Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Stephen Wright
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Cats    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."" Stephen Wright
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Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

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"Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes" Stephen Wright
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"On the other hand, you have different fingers." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Fingers    Funny   

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"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it" Stephen Wright
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before." Stephen Wright
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"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Body    Funny   

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"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"" Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Canada    Funny   

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"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Autobiography    Funny   

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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny    Museums   

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"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Funny   

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"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday." Stephen Wright
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American Comedian    Birthday    Funny   

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"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night." Stephen Wright
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