Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Information about Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Born in St. Paul, Minnesota. Mitch Hedberg was a comedian whose unconventional and surreal humor dotted with non-sequiturs and absurdities found an audience. He won the 1997 Seattle Comedy Competition and fans would often finish his jokes with the punch line. He made guest appearances on That 70's Show and wrote, directed, produced and starred in an indie feature film, Los Enchiladas! He a…

Date of Birth: February 24, 1968
Date of Death: March 29, 2005
Found 160 quotes by Mitch Hedberg .
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Mitch Hedberg

"So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable..." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?" — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!" — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology."" — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first." — Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg

"Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck." — Mitch Hedberg
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