Jon Stewart Quotes

Found 130 quotes by Jon Stewart .
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"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"" Jon Stewart
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Army   

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"Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle." Jon Stewart
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Enron   

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"I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her." Jon Stewart
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News   

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"No. I'm not going to be your monkey." Jon Stewart
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"We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics." Jon Stewart
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Beauty   

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"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." Jon Stewart
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American Entertainer Quotes    Canada   

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"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader." Jon Stewart
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American Entertainer Quotes   

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"Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting." Jon Stewart
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"I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once." Jon Stewart
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"Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages." Jon Stewart
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"Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success." Jon Stewart
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"Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'" Jon Stewart
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Dick Cheney   

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""Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles." Jon Stewart
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"Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay." Jon Stewart
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"Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'" Jon Stewart
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Bombs   

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"I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor." Jon Stewart
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American Entertainer Quotes   

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"That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling." Jon Stewart
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"There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!" Jon Stewart
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American Entertainer Quotes    Comedy   

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"We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump." Jon Stewart
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"I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that." Jon Stewart
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Jokes   

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"Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote." Jon Stewart
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Humorous   





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