Joan Rivers Quotes

Found 83 quotes by Joan Rivers .
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Joan Rivers

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!" — Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined." — Joan Rivers
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Action    Power   

Joan Rivers

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Clothes    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Beauty    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds" — Joan Rivers
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Food   

Joan Rivers

"I am going into alligator alley." — Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"Once you begin to believe there is help ""out there,"" you will know it to be true." — Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Can we talk?" — Joan Rivers
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Conversation   

Joan Rivers

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are." — Joan Rivers
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Approval   

Joan Rivers

"You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again" — Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"How could she not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her, two normal children and she had a crown." — Joan Rivers
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Gorgeous   

Joan Rivers

"You could have had Rosie O'Donnell here to talk about how to be straight. Like no one knew she was gay." — Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"Get a pet, an animal you will love and one that will love you in return. In your home, there should be something besides the rugs to take care of. Get a pet that will stain those rugs and you'll have a happier home." — Joan Rivers
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Home   

Joan Rivers

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny    History   

Joan Rivers

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." — Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

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Birth: 1898-11-29 Death: 1963-11-22

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