Joan Rivers Quotes


Information about Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers

When a career in acting didn’t pan out, Joan Rivers turned to comedy instead and spent seven years doing the New York comedy circuit before she got her big break on The Tonight Show. By 1983, she was a headliner in Las Vegas and had two best-selling books to her credit. Following the suicide of her husband, Rivers moved back to New York and launched her new talk show. She also wrote a To…

Date of Birth: June 08, 1933


Found 83 quotes by Joan Rivers .
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Joan Rivers

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny    Gifts   

Joan Rivers

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Joan Rivers

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Joan Rivers

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Editor's Pick    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Joan Rivers

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Birth    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know." Joan Rivers
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Children    Letters   

Joan Rivers

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise." Joan Rivers
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Advice   

Joan Rivers

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing." Joan Rivers
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Las Vegas   

Joan Rivers

"A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon" Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers

"He who limps is still walking." Joan Rivers
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Action   

Joan Rivers

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   

Joan Rivers

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny    Sex   

Joan Rivers

"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present." Joan Rivers
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Indian Poet    Optimism   

Joan Rivers

"I just want to know. Who got all the jewelry?" Joan Rivers
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Jewelry   

Joan Rivers

"A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy." Joan Rivers
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Woman   

Joan Rivers

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking." Joan Rivers
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American Comedian    Funny   





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John Wooden
Birth: 1910-10-14 Death: 2010-06-10

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

One of the most successful coaches in the history of college basketball, John Wooden was a star player at Purdue University where he was known as the "Indiana Rubber Man" for his dives on the court. As head coach of the UCLA Bruins, Wooden guided the team to four perfect seasons, 88 consecutive victories, 20 PAC 10 championships, 38 NCAA tourneys and 10 national championships, seven of them in a row. His approach to the game is used by other coaches at all levels of basketball. He believed in lengthy practices and drills to improve conditioning and execution. His "games of threes" was …



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