Jay Leno Quotes

Found 226 quotes by Jay Leno .
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Jay Leno

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"" Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Jay Leno

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Doctors    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

Jay Leno

"Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances." Jay Leno
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Friends Or Friendship   

Jay Leno

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny   

Jay Leno

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." Jay Leno
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Baghdad   

Jay Leno

"One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions." Jay Leno
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Accent   

Jay Leno

"Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?" Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished." Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." Jay Leno
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Iraq   

Jay Leno

"The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem." Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad." Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny   

Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." Jay Leno
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Beginning   

Jay Leno

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." Jay Leno
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American Comedian    Funny    Money   

Jay Leno

"Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue." Jay Leno
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Baseball   

Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this story? ... Several Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated after a boat cruise on a lake turned into a wild sex party on this boat. ? What are they, 1-3? One and three. That's the only offensive thing they've done all season, actually." Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors." Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?" Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates" Jay Leno
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Jay Leno

"[Proceeds from his book go to C.O.P.S., a charity benefiting the children of police officers killed in the line of duty.] Even if you don't like me, you'll be happy knowing 100% of the profits will go to this, ... Jay will not profit in any way." Jay Leno
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