Jack Handey Quotes


Information about Jack Handey

Jack Handey
Jack Handey

Jack Handey is best known for his extensive collection of surrealistic one liners known as "Deep Thoughts" and his "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Born in Texas, Handey started his career as a reporter, but was fired for offending local car dealerships. He landed his first comedy gig as a writer for Saturday Night Live. He eventually became co-producer of the show. His "Deep Thoughts by Jack …

Date of Birth: February 05, 1949


Found 23 quotes by Jack Handey .
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Jack Handey .

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." Jack Handey ,
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Jack Handey

"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)" Jack Handey
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Jack Handey

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast." Jack Handey
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Jack Handey

"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)" Jack Handey
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Jack Handey

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)" Jack Handey
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Funny   

Jack Handey

"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live" Jack Handey
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Funny   

Jack Handey

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live" Jack Handey
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Friends Or Friendship    Funny   

Jack Handey

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'" Jack Handey
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Jack Handey

"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)" Jack Handey
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Friends Or Friendship   

Jack Handey

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides." Jack Handey
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Patriotic   

Jack Handey

"On the other hand, you have different fingers" Jack Handey
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Fingers   

Jack Handey

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man." Jack Handey
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Wisdom   

Jack Handey

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Jack Handey
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Money   

Jack Handey

"If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way" Jack Handey
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Cool   

Jack Handey

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Jack Handey
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Sports   

Jack Handey

"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!" Jack Handey
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Problems   

Jack Handey

"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point." Jack Handey
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Family   

Jack Handey

"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me." Jack Handey
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Funny   

Jack Handey

"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus." Jack Handey
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Money   

Jack Handey

"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat." Jack Handey
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Religious   

Jack Handey

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)" Jack Handey
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