Emo Philips Quotes


Information about Emo Philips

Emo Philips
Emo Philips

Born in 1956, Emo Philips specializes in surreal humor and word play. His wandering tone of voice in a high falsetto and his boyish manner is intended to make his performances have a childlike wisdom about them. As a performer, Philips has recorded three comedy albums. This includes his 1985 New Music Award winner for best comedy album, E=mo2. He has appeared in numerous stand up venues a…

Date of Birth: February 07, 1956


Found 52 quotes by Emo Philips .
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Emo Philips

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Boxing    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

Emo Philips

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Emo Philips

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Devil    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him." Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny    Speech   

Emo Philips

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."" Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Evil    Funny   

Emo Philips

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips
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Bed   

Emo Philips

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..." Emo Philips
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Women   

Emo Philips

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."" Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?" Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   





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