Emo Philips Quotes


Information about Emo Philips

Emo Philips
Emo Philips

Born in 1956, Emo Philips specializes in surreal humor and word play. His wandering tone of voice in a high falsetto and his boyish manner is intended to make his performances have a childlike wisdom about them. As a performer, Philips has recorded three comedy albums. This includes his 1985 New Music Award winner for best comedy album, E=mo2. He has appeared in numerous stand up venues a…

Date of Birth: February 07, 1956


Found 52 quotes by Emo Philips .
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Emo Philips

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Boxing    Funny    Quote of the Day    Short   

Emo Philips

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny    Quote of the Day   

Emo Philips

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Devil    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him." Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny    Speech   

Emo Philips

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips
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Bed   

Emo Philips

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."" Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?" Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Children    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center." Emo Philips
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Emo Philips

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   

Emo Philips

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some." Emo Philips
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American Comedian    Funny   





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