Eddie Izzard Quotes

Found 76 quotes by Eddie Izzard .
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Eddie Izzard

"Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid." Eddie Izzard
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British Comedian    Funny   

Eddie Izzard

"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"My name is NOT Tracy" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"Never put a sock in a toaster." Eddie Izzard
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British Comedian    Funny   

Eddie Izzard

"You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants." Eddie Izzard
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Restaurants   

Eddie Izzard

"Imperial Soldier: Oh... I... Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir... they're here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they brought a flag." Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.'" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die" Eddie Izzard
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Evil   

Eddie Izzard

"Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is." Eddie Izzard
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Sexuality   

Eddie Izzard

"Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because it's true! Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is." Eddie Izzard
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Gay Men    Girls    Queen    Sexuality   

Eddie Izzard

"And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…" Eddie Izzard
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Office   

Eddie Izzard

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." Eddie Izzard
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British Comedian    Funny   

Eddie Izzard

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup." Eddie Izzard
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British Comedian    Coffee    Funny   

Eddie Izzard

"Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.”" Eddie Izzard
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Eyes   

Eddie Izzard

"And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”" Eddie Izzard
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Eddie Izzard

"Romance & Cigarettes." Eddie Izzard
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Romance   

Eddie Izzard

"Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?" Eddie Izzard
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