David Sedaris Quotes

Found 20 quotes by David Sedaris .
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"We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail." David Sedaris
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Alcohol And Alcoholism   

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"Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own." David Sedaris
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Bed   

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"Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me."" David Sedaris
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"Shit is the tofu of cursing." David Sedaris
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"Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do that on people." David Sedaris
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"Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied." David Sedaris
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Crack   

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"It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection." David Sedaris
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"On Undecided Voter?s: "To put them in perspective, I think? of being? on an airplane.? The flight attendant comes? down the aisle? with her food cart and, eventually,? parks? it beside my seat.? “Can I inter?est you in the chick?en??” she asks.? “Or would? you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broke?n glass? in it?” To be undecided in this elect?ion is to pause? for a moment and then ask how the chick?en is cooked." David Sedaris
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Democrats   

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"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out." David Sedaris
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American Writer   

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"My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks." David Sedaris
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Hate   

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"… [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross." David Sedaris
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"I'm just a big liar." David Sedaris
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"It was all luck and it all started with that radio piece. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably still be cleaning apartments as a maid in New York.'" David Sedaris
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American Writer    Luck   

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"One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody has the Internet, ... I don't. I've never seen the Internet. I've never ordered a book on it, and I wouldn't really want to." David Sedaris
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Age And Aging   

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"When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out." David Sedaris
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Eyes   

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"Underneath my window, there were huge groups of people running in the streets. They tried to overturn a car. So the woman opened her window and tried to throw water on them. So then they threw rocks up and tried to smash her windows. It was very exciting." David Sedaris
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People   

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"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary." David Sedaris
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"[I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross." David Sedaris
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Computers   

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"After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations." David Sedaris
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American Writer   

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"They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity." David Sedaris
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American Writer   





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George Carlin
Birth: 1937-05-12 Death: 2008-06-22

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

Releasing 23 comedy albums, hosting 14 HBO specials and authoring three best sellers during his lifetime, comedian George Carlin helped define modern stand-up routines with his rapid fire commentary on politics, race, hypocrisy and society. His command of the English language allowed him to dissect its nuances and oddities, questioning everything from the meaning of time to getting into an airplane instead of getting on a plane™. His Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on Television led to his arrest and his landmark case before the Supreme Court. Carlin always pushed the limits, from…



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