Billy Connolly Quotes

Found 41 quotes by Billy Connolly .
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Billy Connolly

"Roses are red,Violets are blue,I'm a schizophrenic,and so am I." Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things." Billy Connolly
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Christianity    Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”" Billy Connolly
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Disco   

Billy Connolly

"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?" Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"You'll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades (On morphine Suppositorys)" Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil." Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?" Billy Connolly
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Race   

Billy Connolly

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge -- but not a sausage." Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour." Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?" Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   

Billy Connolly

"I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking. . . . I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another." Billy Connolly
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Joke   

Billy Connolly

"I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place." Billy Connolly
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Funny    Scottish Comedian   





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