Bill Maher Quotes


Information about Bill Maher

Bill Maher
Bill Maher

Political talk show host and comedian Bill Maher starred in a string of forgettable movies, including Avocado Jungle of Death, before becoming the host of Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher in 1993. The show'€™s format was a perfect stage for Maher's brand of humor. The show was an almost instant success, which at one time ran against The Tonight Show on ABC. His show f…

Date of Birth: January 20, 1956


Found 117 quotes by Bill Maher .
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Bill Maher

"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'" Bill Maher
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English Composer    Iraq   

Bill Maher

"In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . ." Bill Maher
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Football   

Bill Maher

"The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people." Bill Maher
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America   

Bill Maher

"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'" Bill Maher
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English Composer    Intelligence   

Bill Maher

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly." Bill Maher
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Airplane And Aviation    English Composer   

Bill Maher

"When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values." Bill Maher
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Generosity   

Bill Maher

"The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." Bill Maher
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English Composer    Men    Women   

Bill Maher

"To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, theyÆve seen me laugh, and theyÆve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution." Bill Maher
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English Composer    Experience   

Bill Maher

"Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors -- I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"If you think you have it tough, read history books." Bill Maher
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Bill Maher

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." Bill Maher
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English Composer    Funny    Short   

Bill Maher

"The IRS is auditing the NRA. I haven't had this much trouble picking sides since the Iran-Iraq war." Bill Maher
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Iraq   

Bill Maher

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."" Bill Maher
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English Composer    Fire   

Bill Maher

"And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?" Bill Maher
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Comedy   

Bill Maher

"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time to share one of my favorite children's classics, it's called: "How the Grinch Stole the Election". And ah--I'd like to read it to you now, shall we?Every Jew down in Jew-vile liked elections a lot,But the Grinch who lived over in Austin did not.I know they'll be voting for Gore, he was thinking,By Wednesday--the latest--I'll be back to my drinking.Election Day came and the voting was close,At one point the Grinch even started to boast,'It's the Grinch by a nose!' all the newsmen exclaimed,Even Dan Rather who was clearly insane.But was he the winner, hey not so fast--Al Gore called him up and said, "Grinch, kiss my ass!"The race was too tight to say who was elected,The Grinch was so stressed his face got infected.All eyes turned to Jewville to sort out the mess,But Hyman and Hershel and dear old Aunt Bess,Were too senile to vote for the one that they liked,They poked the wrong hole and joined the Third Reich.The Jews down in Jewville took to the streets,To complain about fraud, not to mention the heat.The Grinch said something that couldn't be gosher,'This election my friends, is perfectly kosher.'Then a judge ruled each vote should be counted by hand,The Grinch said, 'That's not what my brother Jeb had planned.'His lawyers filed motions and junctions and writs,Demanding that Gore and the Jews call it quits.But just when the Grinch thought the deal had gone through,He met Cindy Lou Lipshitz, age 92.'Why?' she cried, 'Did you steal our election?'The Grinch just laughed and gave her a lethal injection.They say the Grinch's ego grew 3 sizes that day,Unfortunately his brain went the opposite way.So here's a lesson for now and for later,Don’t blame me-- I voted for Nader!" Bill Maher
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