Funny Quotes

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (not a clue!)
• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (not a clue!)
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
• There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (not a clue!)
• I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. Oscar Wilde
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Samual Goldwyn
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
• Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. (not a clue!)
• I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. Oprah Winfrey
• The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits
• Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers
• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! (not a clue!)
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
• Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Peter Tosh
• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. - Proverb
• If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.David Brent
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Mae West
• The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix
• It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (nude calendar picture) Marilyn Monroe
• A man in the house is worth two in the street. (not a clue!)

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Funny quotes to keep you laughing

One of the great things about quotes is that they can express such a range of emotions. They can make you cry, they can soothe the soul, they can express the longing of love, and thankfully, they can make you howl with laughter.

Funny quotes are real treasures in a world that often takes itself way too seriously. From contemporary comedians to the timeless tongue-in-cheek wisdom of the ageless greats—Will Rogers, Mark Twain and Groucho Marx—there are funny quotes for all occasions and all senses of humor.

What you say? People have different senses of humor? Why yes, they do. Some like funny quotes to be on the dry side of wit while others want a boldfaced twist of words that will have them rolling on the floor uncontrollably.

For example, there are countless anonymous classics, such as “Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery” or the sage advice of “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Others gravitate to the funny quotes of the famed comedians. Joan Rivers is famous for her one-liners such as: "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."  So is Rodney Dangerfield: “When I was born the doctor took one look at my face… turned me over and said, Look… twins!"

Funny quotes can also be quite truthful and timely, such as Robert Orben’s: "Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down."

In an age of social media—Twitter, Facebook and so on—funny quotes can give you something worthwhile to say, even when your own witty words momentarily escape you.

They can also add a little levity to a more serious occasion. Who doesn’t like a little laugh during a wedding toast? Instead of being all serious, boring guests to tears, you can be the life of the party by offering up funny quotes from the likes of Zsa Zsa Gabor, who certainly knows a thing or two about marriage: “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.”

Fortunately, finding funny quotes is easy these days. You can use the handy search feature to find a specific category of quotes, including “Funny.” Just click on the category and off you go. Or you can narrow your search by the author or the topic that needs a humorous quotation. Chances are good that you’ll find just the right quote quickly and easily, ready to delight friends and family with something that matches your unique sense of humor.

While many of these funny quotes are attributed to famous people, don’t overlook the anonymous and unknown entries. They can provide just as much laughter, even though nobody took credit for them. For example, who doesn’t love: “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep—not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”