Funny

(105 votes)   DISCLAIMER: A society where such disclaimers are needed is saddening.

Anonymous

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(105 votes)   I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

Anonymous

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(105 votes)   If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Jack Handy

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(105 votes)   The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers.

William Shakeapeare

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(104 votes)   One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

Jack Handy

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(103 votes)   I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

Groucho Marx

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(103 votes)   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.

Jack Handey

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(103 votes)   Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?

Anonymous

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(103 votes)   She [Sadie Thompson] was a girl who knew how to be gay even when she was sad. And that's important--you know?

Marilyn Monroe
American Actress 1926-1962

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(102 votes)   As punishment for my contempt for authority, Fate has made me an authority myself

Anonymous

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(102 votes)   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Anonymous

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(102 votes)   There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.

Jerry Seinfeld

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(102 votes)   Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Mel Gibson.

Anonymous

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(101 votes)   Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical

Yogi Berra

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(101 votes)   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Anonymous

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