Funny

(114 votes)   Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Jack Handy

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(113 votes)   "It's hard to pull your foot out of your mouth... ...when your head is up your ass".

Feddler Von Schtickle

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(113 votes)   No matter where you go, there you are.

Anonymous

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(113 votes)   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Pearl Williams

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(112 votes)   Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

Cathy Carlyle

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(110 votes)   At sixteen I was stupid, confused and indecisive. At twenty-five I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing and assertive. At forty-five I am stupid, confused, insecure and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence?

Jules Feiffer

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(109 votes)   One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Anonymous

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(109 votes)   Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Anonymous

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(109 votes)   You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.

UNKNOWN

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(108 votes)   A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

Don Quinn

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(108 votes)   I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better

A. J. Liebling

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(108 votes)   Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules.

George Orwell

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(108 votes)   When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.

Anonymous

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(108 votes)   You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

Anonymous

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(106 votes)   What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Richard Harkness

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