Yes Minister

(129 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: Politicians like to panic. They need activity; it's their substitute for achievement!


Yes Minister 1980

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(125 votes)   [Sir Humphrey demonstrates how public surveys can reach opposite conclusions]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do they respond to a challenge?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?
Bernard Woolley: Er, I might be.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes or no?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Of course, after all you've said you can't say no to that. On the other hand, the surveys can reach opposite conclusions.
[survey two]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think it's wrong to force people to take arms against their will?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Would you oppose the reintroduction of conscription?
Bernard Woolley: Yes.
[does a double-take]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: There you are, Bernard. The perfectly balanced sample.


Yes, Prime Minister 1986

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(112 votes)   Jim Hacker: Hello darling! What's for lunch?
Annie Hacker: You tell me.
Jim Hacker: Are you going somewhere?
Annie Hacker: Voluntary services committee. I did tell you.
Jim Hacker: Just thought some scrambled eggs or something.
Annie Hacker: Oh, I think there's some eggs in the fridge.
Jim Hacker: You want me to do it?
Annie Hacker: We agreed I'd go on with my work, didn't we? It's bad enough living in this goldfish bowl anyway. Every time I want to slip out for a sliced loaf I have to walk past a dozen journalists and fifty gawping tourists. There's no privacy anywhere.
Jim Hacker: Now that's not true.
Security Guard: Excuse me, Prime Minister, security check. Could I have a look around?
Annie Hacker: Privacy?
Jim Hacker: You could always walk in the garden.
Annie Hacker: There's about fifty people staring at you from the windows, it's like exercising in a prison yard.
Jim Hacker: At least it's quiet.
[a band starts playing loudly]
Annie Hacker: Quiet? That's been going on since half past eight this morning.
Jim Hacker: They have to practise somewhere.
Annie Hacker: Why here?
Jim Hacker: Darling, they're Horseguards, that's the Horseguard's parade.
Annie Hacker: And to think we actually have to pay rent for this place. They should pay us.
Jim Hacker: Annie, you must realise that a life in public service demands some sacrifice.
Annie Hacker: Fine. You sacrifice your lunch, I'm late.
Jim Hacker: But I'm hungry. What did you have for your lunch?
Annie Hacker: Half a Yorkie bar.
Jim Hacker: Where's the other half?


Yes, Prime Minister 1986

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(110 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: [talking about nuclear fallout shelters] If you have the weapons, you need the shelters.
James Hacker: Sometimes I wonder if we need the weapons.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Minister! You're not a unilateralist?
James Hacker: Well... I sometimes wonder.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Then you must resign from the government!
James Hacker: Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not *that* unilateralist! Anyway, the Americans will always protect us from the Russians.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Russians? Who's talking about the Russians?
James Hacker: Well, the independent deterrent.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: It's to protect us against the French!


Yes Minister 1980

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(106 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: Prime Minister, in government, a clarification is not to make things clear. It's to *put* oneself in the clear.


Yes, Prime Minister 1986

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(105 votes)   Jim Hacker: You are the Cabinet Secretary. You must insist that we get papers circulated earlier.
Sir Humphrey: Alas, there are grave problems about circulating papers before they are written.


Yes, Prime Minister 1986

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(101 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: We really have to get the minister to climb up the flagpole and nail his trousers to the mast.
Bernard Woolley: Don't you mean nail the flag to the mast?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, nail his trousers to the mast, Bernard. That way he can't climb down again.


Yes Minister 1980

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(98 votes)   Bernard Woolley: He's coming round now.
James Hacker: Why, did he faint?


Yes Minister 1980

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(98 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: Surveillance is an indispensable weapon in the battle against organized crime.
James Hacker: You're not describing politicians as organized crime?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No... well, disorganized crime too of course.


Yes Minister 1980

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(98 votes)   [there has arisen the possibility of James Hacker becoming Prime Minister]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: How would you feel about your present master as the next Prime Minister?
[Bernard looks at his watch]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Are you in a hurry?
Bernard Woolley: No, I was just checking my watch to see it wasn't April 1st!


Yes Minister 1980

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(97 votes)   James Hacker: This is a democracy, and the people don't like it.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: The people are ignorant and misguided.
James Hacker: Humphrey, it was the people who elected me!
[Humphrey nods]


Yes Minister 1980

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(97 votes)   Jim Hacker: Bernard, what on Earth made you think that just because people were asking you questions you had to answer them? You've never answered any of MY questions just because I asked them.


Yes, Prime Minister 1986

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(96 votes)   Benjamin 'Dizzy' Disraeli, aka Lord Beaconsfield- Disraeli: In an autocracy, the leader is the people. Europe is at the mercy of the most ruthless band of autocrats the world has yet seen. I know these dictators, these men of blood and iron, they have one weakness; they are always in a hurry. Their god is power, and its kingdom is on this Earth. They are men without humility and without hearts. The virtues we hold dear they call weaknesses, and what we love they despise. They hold themselves a race apart, divinely ordained to rule the world to the exclusion of all others. That is a form of madness that must eventually destroy the world or be destroyed, it cannot be appeased by soft words or good neighbourliness. All civilised methods of approach to international agreement are signs of weakness to these men. They recognise one argument, and one argument alone - FORCE!


The Prime Minister 1941

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(94 votes)   James Hacker: This can't go on, Humphrey!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: I'm glad you said that, minister, because it isn't going to. We have just heard from the Special Branch that your protection has been withdrawn.
James Hacker: Ah, no wait a minute I didn't mean... But why?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well. The police have suffered an acute personnel establishment shortfall.
James Hacker: What?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: They are short-staffed, Sir, they can no longer continue protecting you.
James Hacker: Short-staffed?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, because of the much more real and dangerous threat to the Soviet Premier at the Tchekist meeting tomorrow.
James Hacker: But he is Russian. I am British.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, in fact, minister the special branch have reason to believe the threat to your life has been diminished.
James Hacker: How do they know?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Surveillance. They overheard a conversation.
James Hacker: What did it say?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh, I don't think it is of any imp...
James Hacker: Come on Humphrey I have a right to know!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your image and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.
James Hacker: They said that?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: That was the gist of it.


Yes Minister 1980

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(93 votes)   Sir Humphrey Appleby: Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents, they could be captured and tortured.
Bernard Woolley: You mean by terrorists?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: By the BBC, Bernard.


Yes Minister 1980

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